Foundations of Radically Respectful Parenting

Most parenting recommendations focus on children, their needs, and the goals adults set for them. Radically respectful parenting shifts the focus from children to relationships. The elements of radically respectful parenting are:

• Recognize that you are subjected to many systems of power in your life, and that your child is also subjected to those systems through your choices and decisions: Systems of power create the pressures we all feel to be perfect parents: sitting still, using manners, getting ready for kindergarten. Knowing this helps you discriminate between what your real values are and the shoulds that come from systems of power. 

• View parenting as a relationship with a person who is subjected to a great deal of control: Childhood is recognized as a highly influential time in a person’s life and is often viewed mostly as a time to prepare for adulthood. A radically respectful parent sees children as valuable members of society in each moment, rather than just as future adults.

• Commit to exploring your own motivators: Recognize yourself as a vehicle for power. Notice when society’s expectations are influencing your decision making. Engage in introspection. Actively explore what is motivating any desire you feel to control or correct your child.

• Honor your own needs as well as your child’s: Radical respect means that the needs of all parties are recognized and honored, including the parent’s. 

• Be aware of your own emotional state and triggers: In radically respectful relationships with children, adults notice their own emotional responses and explore the reasons for them. Notice what makes it hard and what makes it easy to stay calm and connected. 

• Be curious about your child’s needs, triggers, and social pressures: Understand that children often communicate their needs, desires, and fears through actions, rather than through words. In radically respectful relationships, parents recognize actions as forms of communication and try to understand, rather than punish or suppress behaviors. 

• Create systems that aim towards equalizing power dynamics. Build durable systems that help you equalize power as much as possible. These are systems that provide respect and agency for both your child and you. They work for both of you and can withstand inevitable changes.